Lawrenceville Daily Record

The beauty of Hawaii — and 2-ply TP




Off the bucket list now is Hawaii.

We were there last week, landing in Honolulu and its celebrated Waikiki Beach, then catching a cruise ship to take us to the other islands.

Hawaii? 

Yes – gorgeous, beautiful, mostly sunny, a near-perfect 78 degrees in March and much of the rest of the year, too. 

You also could spot us Midwesterners. You needed sunglasses just to look at our snow-white legs.

What else?

THINGS LEARNED IN HAWAII:

Someone lost the letter “D” there – it’s shave ice, not shaved; smoke fish, not smoked; close Sunday, not closed.

Instead of just white sand, it also has black-sanded beaches, thanks to all that lava that created the Hawaiian Islands.

If you somehow can affix the proper postage, you can send a coconut through the U.S. Mail.

You’d also better save up. The “average” house price in Hawaii is (not a typo) $826,750. In Honolulu, it’s tough to find anything cheaper than (still not a typo) $1.2 million.

Natives pronounce it “Ha-vie-ee.”

Potato chips are $10 for a 6-ounce bag. Maui Jim sunglasses are not made in Maui. Instead, they are manufactured in Peoria, Ill.

Out of “environmental concerns,” they use only one-ply toilet paper (which, as our group dutifully decided, only really means you then use twice as much).

Without vowels, there would be no Hawaiian words … aloha … luau … maholo.  Even the eight-letter word “Hawaiian” has only two non-members of the consonant family.

Hawaii has everything, but one thing – gambling. Of any kind. Even poker over the kitchen table on a Tuesday afternoon is an arrest-able offense.

A true way to tell residents from tourists: residents avoid the sun, cover their heads, carry sun-hiding umbrellas, seek shade, wear long pants. Tourists lie out in it, lather up the tanning oils, shift around on a beach chair, moan when it’s partly-to-mostly cloudy.

Here’s your Jeopardy answer … Hawaii has three interstate highways, even if it’s obviously impossible to travel to any inter-state.

If on a cruise ship, at sea you not only get to whale-watch, but from the endless food bars, you can become a whale yourself.

Even if an ocean paradise, there are no seagulls either. Out wandering the streets and yards, there are nonetheless more roosters, chickens and chicks, per capita, than human beings.

Even if the alleged “land of endless sun,” it isn’t. The sun leaves early. In fact, on June 21 – the longest day of the year everywhere else — sunset in Hawaii is 7:17 p.m. On July 4, they’re setting off the fireworks just after “Wheel of Fortune.”

Instead of smog, in Hawaii they have “vog.” It’s a volcanic haze.

Easily more than half of the population on the Hawaiian Islands is Japanese and has been since the mid-1800s. Thus, the Japanese also bombed themselves on Dec. 7, 1941. 

No one says “hi.” It’s always only “aloha!” 

It’s weird to be in a state where you NEVER see ANY out-of-state license plate.

In Central Illinois, you look twice when at the beach or pool you see some thankfully younger person in a thong bathing suit. Along Waikiki Beach in Honolulu, you look twice if you see someone who ISN’T wearing one. 

The warmth and sun of Hawaii is wonderful – especially in late winter – but it’s the lush greenery and lava-turned-into-mountains that makes it truly gorgeous.

And — my gosh — nowhere to be found anywhere, at least in our own search, was a mainland childhood favorite — Hawaiian Punch fruit drink. How about “a nice Hawaiian Punch?” Not in Hawaii!

It’s just everything else that makes the trip most worthwhile.

As they eternally say … aloha!

Bill Flick is at flick@a5.com

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.